Post your jokes and humor here.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Voodooo
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Bloody good question …

Post your jokes and humor here.
 
Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. John Barrymore
  7. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
  19. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. Author Unknown

I heard Dick van Dyke say the last one at the recent Oscars but I think it it fairly well bandied around!
 
Nicked from elsewhere

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
•
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
•
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
•
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
•
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
•
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
•
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
•
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
•
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
•
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
•
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
•
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
•
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last………………

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
kommando said:
Nicked from elsewhere

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
•
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
•
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
•
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
•
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
•
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
•
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
•
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
•
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
•
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
•
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
•
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
•
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last………………

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Click to expand...

There was a fault book like that where I worked, albeit a bit before my time. Apparently the then chief engineer wrote a sarky memo about the fault books not being used for "infantile wit".

So the fault books were re-named "the book of infantile wit".

It is possible they are still buried in a mysterious archive somewhere.
 
I worked in maintenance at GE gas turbine. We got work orders and daily solved them. Sometimes the complaint wasn't very clear. I'll never forget the Shot Peen operator who turned in a work order that listed the problem as "will not shoot". Not much to go on, but we got it.
 
A man calls in sick to work one day. His boss tells him "I really need you today. When I feel sick here's what I do, take a nap for an hour or so, make love to my wife, have a good meal and then I feel GREAT!" The guy says OK, I'll try it. later that morning he shows up at work and tells the boss "your cure worked great, I feel much better. " And by the way boss.....you got a nice house and your wife is a great cook too.
 
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