Post your jokes and humor here.

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Post your jokes and humor here.
 
phippsy said:
If you could change the colour of 1 of the 7 dwarfs I would dye happy
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I got into a fender bender yesterday, tapped the bumper of the car ahead of me. The driver got out, turns out he was dwarf, and says " I'm not happy you know". So I asked him which of the other six dwarfs he was...
 
40 things you probably shouldn't say at work, but you'd sure like to:



1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.



2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.



3. How about never? Is never good for you?



4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.





5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.





6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.



7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.



8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.



9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.



10. Ahhhh .... I see the.... screw-up fairy has visited us again.



11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.



12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.



13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.



14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.



15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.



16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.





17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.



18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.



19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!



20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.



21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.



22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.



23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ....?



24. Do I look like a people person?



25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.



26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.



27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.



28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?



29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed



30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.



31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality



32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.



33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?



34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.



35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?



36. Chaos, panic, and disorder .... my work here is done.



37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?



38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.



39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?



40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different.
 
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”

There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.”

Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonalds.”
 
A college wrestler was competing in the championship match for his conference. His coach tells him, “your opponent is undefeated. He has this hold that never fails. It’s called the Double Pretzel Lock. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in the Double Pretzel Lock or you are done-for.

The match is progressing and our hero is doing well. Just as his coach thinks he may have a chance there is a whirlwind of movement and our guy is tied up in the Double Pretzel Lock. The coach is bereft, knowing the match is lost.

All of a sudden there is a blood-curdling scream and the two wrestles leap off the mat as if one. Our wrestler lands on his undefeated opponent, pins him and wins the match.

There is pandemonium in the arena as he celebrates, high fiving his teammates and bending to catch his breath. His coach yells, “that’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Unbelievable! How did you do that!?”

Our guy says, “Coach, there I was, almost completely unable to move, all twisted up in the Double Pretzel Lock. I knew I was done and was about to give up when I saw this pair of testicles…so I bit them. Coach, you’ll never know how high you can jump until you bite your own testicles.”
Click to expand...
 
Two Scotsmen, two Welshmen, two Ulstermen, & two Englishmen are marooned on a desert island.
The two Scotsmen get together & start a bank. The two Welshmen get together & start a male voice choir. The two Ulstermen get together & start a fight. The two Englishmen never exchange a word, as they haven't been formally introduced.
 
Ok, since we are taking the Michael out of the English...

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said
"You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".
 
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