Post your jokes and humor here.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Voodooo
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This is for those who “hate” their jobs.

On your way home from work this afternoon, stop at a chemist and go to the section that sells thermometers.

Buy a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson – it is very important that you choose this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors and windows, close the curtains and disconnect the phone so that you won’t be disturbed.

Get changed into comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package, remove the thermometer and place it carefully on a table or nearby smooth surface, taking care not to chip or break it.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature that came with the thermometer and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement reading, “Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.”

Now close your eyes and repeat five times, “I am so glad that I do not work in Thermometer Quality Control at Johnson & Johnson!”

Have a nice day and remember – there is always someone whose job is more of a pain in the arse than yours!
 
one for @1973x75 ...

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month - otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, ginger-bearded man in a lumberjacket standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... there’ll be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Don't much matter... Just gonna be the two of us."
 
robs ss said:
one for @1973x75 ...

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month - otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, ginger-bearded man in a lumberjacket standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... there’ll be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Don't much matter... Just gonna be the two of us."
Click to expand...
 
Post your jokes and humor here.
 
So... I heard a news report on the radio that a guy fell from a 6 story bldg in Tokyo last night. The police said that they didn't know much information about the case except that the fella worked at the night club up there, but they did say that they were able to verify that he wasn't a bouncer...;)

We'd gone to a steak house earlier in the evening and the restaurant had a new sign that said they now had an exotic meat menu, so we ordered wookie steak... mine was chewie :rolleyes:
 
Last edited:
cjandme said:
So... I heard a news report on the radio that a guy fell from a 6 story bldg in Tokyo last night. The police said that they didn't know much information about the case except that the fella worked at the night club up there, but they did say that they were able to verify that he wasn't a bouncer...;)

We'd gone to a steak house earlier in the evening and the restaurant had a new sign that said they now had an exotic meat menu, so we ordered wookie steak... mine was chewie :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
Should have waited for May the fourth for the second one!
 
A doctor who has been seeing an 80 year old woman for some time finally retired and on her last visit to her new doctor he wanted to see what medication she is on so next visit she had a list of her medications, looking through the list he notice she had a prescription for birth control pills, Mrs Smith you don't need birth control pills,
they help me sleep at night doctor,
there is absolutely nothing in these that will make you sleep better,
she reached out and patted the young doctor on the knee, yes doctor I know that, every morning I grind one up and mix it in my 16-year-old granddaughter orange juice she drinks every morning and believe me it definitely does make me sleep better at night.
 
A woman and her 12 year old son were riding in a taxi in Sydney's Kings Cross, it was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under an awning
Mum what are those women doing
they waiting for their hubands to finish work, was her answer
the taxi driver turns around and said lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They are prostitutes boy, they have sex with men for money.
The boys eye grew wide, is that true mum, the mother was hard glaring at the driver
yes they are.
After a few minutes the kid ask, mum if the women have babies, what happens to the kids
Well son, they become taxi drivers.
 
A young wealthy couple who live next door to a vacant house, notice a removal truck parked in the vacant house drive way.
The next day they decide to introduce themselves to their new neighbours.
The new neighbours are two Pakistani brothers. Nice fellows and very polite.
The wealthy couple decide to invite the brothers to their house for a fancy dress party they are having in two days time.
The wife explains that the party is going to be a MOOD party.
To which one of the brothers says, "thank you very much, we will be pleased to come to your nude party"
The wife explains that it is a mood party not a nude party. "come dressed to portray a mood, eg happy, sad, etc".
The Pakistani brothers thank them and say that they understand,,,,,,

The next night there are quite a few people at the party dressed in mood costume and masks.
A knock on the door and the wife opens it and screams.
There stands the 2 brothers completely naked. One brother has his dick in a bowl of custard, and the other has his dick in a hollowed out pear.
The wife calls the husband and they ask the brothers what are they doing standing here naked ?
Didn't you understand that this is a "mood" party, not a nude party?
To which the first brother says that "yes we have come in the mood."
Then if so what are you supposed to be?

The first brother says, we have come in the mood,,,,

(pointing to his brother says)

He is deep in dis pear, and I am fucking dis custard....
 
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