Post your jokes and humor here.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Voodooo
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robs ss said:
Reminds me of a true story...
I was going fishing with my (younger) brother in my small aluminium boat. He held the boat while I parked the trailer.
I noticed he had forgotten his fags and lighter in the centre console. I disapproved of his smoking but put them in my shirt pockets anyway.
After about a mile in the boat I pulled his lighter out and said "Mike, I noticed you had forgotten this" and gave it to him.
"Fat lot of use it is to me now!" was his reply as he tossed it overboard.
"Well, it would have gone well with these!" as I gave him the fag packet.
The rest of the fishing trip was filled with him looking wistfully at other boats, in case there was a smoker on board.
Mike died about 4 years ago (smoking related) but this memory still makes me smile.
Cheers
Click to expand...
Good story sad end.
I was finally able to quit those damn things many years ago.
One of the hardest tasks (for me) I have ever accomplished.
I found out my son was smoking when his younger brother ratted him out to dad. I knew I was a least partially to blame but I stayed on him and he has been a non smoker for over 15 years now. The US govt. subsidized the tobacco industry growers assc., to the tune of billions, until 04' while still covering the health care costs of tobacco users at the same time, even today.
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
 
Baby’s First Doctor Visit:
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'






I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.



 
Ecstasy:
Post your jokes and humor here.
 
Why Women Make Better Assassins


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
 
A Jewish man leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.


A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 300 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."...

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse"

"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied , "Get in line.”
 
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted

3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink *****.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink ***** also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch..!!!
 
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