Post your jokes and humor here.

Post your jokes and humor here.
 
on February the 29th, Winnie the Pooh asks if it is spring yet. The answer comes back “ No, it’s the 29th” .
Oh, for fuck’s sake, says Pooh.
 
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
 
yes time for finishing that beer then go for a snoozzie.
you can't think too much!
But I want you on our team, when the world takes a dump!
 
1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion.
I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency.
She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
I decided I needed a girl with stability.

4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-less.
I decided to find someone with some real ambition.

6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

7. I'm older and much wiser now.
So, I'm looking for a woman with big tits.
 
WIFE: “Honey, please don't forget to buy bread when you're coming home from work and lest I forget... Your girlfriend Elizabeth is also here and says hello to you.”

HUSBAND: Who is Elizabeth?

WIFE: Nobody, I just wanted you to respond, so I can have confirmation that you saw my message.

HUSBAND: But I’m with Elizabeth right now, I thought you saw us!

WIFE: What! Where are you?

HUSBAND: Near the neighbourhood bakery.

WIFE: Wait, I’m coming right now!

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

WIFE: I’m at the bakery, where are you?

HUSBAND: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, please buy the bread and go home!
 
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