Post your jokes and humor here.

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A Texas farmer went to Australia for a holiday where he met a farmer and they got talking.
The Australian showed him his big wheat field and the Texan said "Oh, we have weat fields that are twice as big"
They walked around the farm when he showed off his cattle, "We have Longhorns that are twice as large as your cows"
The conversation had almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. "And what are those ?" The Texan asked.
The Aussie, with an incredulous look replied "What's the matter, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
 

rwalker28

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The wife walked in into the room the other day and asked "What's on TV?"

So I said "About an inch of dust..."

And the fight was on...
 
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Simon was in a car wreck with his Uncle, sadly his Uncle died. Simon was saved but lost both his legs in the crash. The surgeon was able to sew his Uncles legs onto his body. When he was completely recovered, he decided to pursue his love of music and performed in the local pub as Simon & Halfuncle.
 

texasSlick

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OK ... this is not a joke, but it is funny, and we are a sorry lot if we can't laugh at ourselves.

Here in East Texas, we rarely get snow, but a few days ago, we got 4 inches of a heavy wet snow. My wife was admiring the view, which included mounds of snow on top of her car, and decided to take a picture.

Upon picking up her phone, her Mercedes app warned her that her sunroof was open.
She naturally panicked, and still in her pajamas went out to the car, got in and thinking the sunroof was a bit cracked, hit the sunroof button except she hit the rocker switch on the wrong side, and the sunroof opened and dumped all that snow on her!

One thing about the Texas heat .... you never have to shovel it, but mopping snow from the inside of your car is excepted from the usual Texas homeowner snow removal procedures, which is to do nothing.

Sometimes, having a smart phone is not good.


Slick
 
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rwalker28

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Two atoms are walking down the road. The first atom turns to the other and says "Oh damn, I lost an electron!"
The second atoms asks "Are you sure?"
And the first atom replies "Of course I'm sure, I'm positive!"
 

texasSlick

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Another one...

So one day Heisenberg was driving down the road outside Stuttgart when a cop pulls him over. The cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"
And Heisenberg replies "No, but I knew just exactly where I was..."
Now you really are speaking to the intellectuals.
Did you hear the one about Schroedinger's cat?

Slick
 

rwalker28

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Now you really are speaking to the intellectuals.
Did you hear the one about Schroedinger's cat?

Slick
I know one. Actually it is the other half of the Heisenberg one... Let me retell it.

So one day Heisenberg and Schrodinger were driving down the road outside Stuttgart when a cop pulls them over. The cop asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"
And Heisenberg replies "No." And the cops say "192Km per hour." So Heisenberg says "well GREAT you dummkopf, NOW we are LOST!" So the cop gets tired of them... and says ok get out of the car do you have anything in there? And Schrodinger says "YA we have a cat." The cop says pop open the trunk. So they pop open the trunk and the cop sees there is a dead cat there. The cop says "Did you know you have a dead cat here?" And Schrodinger says "Well, he is NOW!!!"
 
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Fast Eddie

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This is the joke thread right...?

Jus’ wondrin.

Reminds me of a time at Uni when I thought I was in the wrong classroom cos I had NO IDEA what the teacher (or other students) were on about. Unfortunately, I was in the correct classroom...
 
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robs ss

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To try and steady the keel....

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop’s expense!

Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please."

London lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming. So, in fact, I met the intent of the legislation."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law. Your licence and registration, please!"

London lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
 
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In the summer of 69 myself, my brother and a friend were working on a tobacco farm near Tillsonburg Ontario Canada. One evening my friend was reading the for sale section of the local paper when he said, hey listen to this, For sale, 350 Honda, Low mileage, Female owner, Must sell, am pregnant, YOU MEAT THE NICEST PEOPLE ON A HONDA.
 

Lineslinger

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rwalker28

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no more science jokes, but they are pretty funny...

How about a pirate joke!

So this kid has to write an essay at school about an interesting person. Since he works part time at the old folks home, he decides to ask the old fossils what they did so he could get a real unique one so he could have a good story. The best of the best is an old retired pirate. No one at school will have as good a story as this! So he interviews the old sea dog.

He asks the retired pirate and he agrees to an interview... it goes like this...

Kids first question: "So how did you get that wooden leg, sir?"
The pirate "Well, ye see, ye young skallywag, we was in a battle to over take this here prize and they shot a cannon ball from the stern chaser and got lucky, I say, and the dirty dogs blew me leg clean off. So I got me this 'ere peg to stump about in."

Kid thinks about it.

Kid asks: "So sir, how did you come about to have that hook for a hand?"
The pirate replies "Ahhh well me buckoo, I needs to think, now let me recollect... ahhh, I got it... we was in this 'ere battle with some prize off the coast of Jamaica, and they would not give up the prize ... so we had to board 'em, and fight up close with cutlass and pistol. Me pistol failed me, and this filthy bastard cut me hand clean off. So I ran him through, and after the battle, I got me a hook!"

Kid say "Wow, that sounds like a crazy thing. So how did you get that patch on your eye, I bet you have a great story about that!"

And the pirate looks at the kid and say, "Well, me laddie, one day I was on deck and we was close to shore and I wanted to make sure we was running up the Union Jack to trick the locals, ye canna' be a running the skull and bones when ye want to have a peaceful parlay on shore. So I looked up and this seagull crapped right in me eye!"

And the kid thinks, how did he lose his eye over that and asks "Oh man, did you get a bad infection or something like that?"

And the old pirate says, "Nay, nay, nothing like that sonny, ye see it was the day after I got me hook..."
 
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