Post your jokes and humor here.

One day in school the teacher was getting the kids to understand proverbs, so she asks the kids to tell a story to illustrate a proverb.

Little Johnny raised his hand first and was trying to get called on, but the teacher knew he was trouble and was hoping to run the clock out on him because it was almost lunchtime, so she calls on Stuart, the smart one, to go first.

Stuart told his story: "My aunt Jenny says that when she does the wash, we always look at the socks and shirts and everything and sew up the little rips and tears to keep the clothes fixed so they last longer."
Teacher says "So what is the proverb for this one?"
And Stuart replies " A stitch in time saves nine, teacher."
And teacher says "Very good Stuart."
And Stuart turns and glances over at little Johnny smugly and looks back forward.

So little Johnny raises his hard quickly, and teacher looks away and calls on little Suzy.

Suzy says "My uncle Tim has a farm. When we stay there we get to go get the chicken eggs. We take some baskets and don't fill them too full. THAT way, we drop one we then done lose too many eggs."
Teacher says "So what is the proverb for this one, honey?"
And Suzy says " Dont put your eggs in one basket, teacher."
And teacher says "Very good Suzy."
And Suzy turns to look at little Johnny and sticks her tongue out and turns back forward.

So, little Johnny raises his hand again, and teacher looks at the clock and realizes she is going to have to call on him, so, with a deep sigh, and with some real misgivings, she gives in and does.

Little Johnny's story goes like this "Well, MY uncle BOB was a pilot in Vietnam. And his plane got shot down. So he had to use the ejector seat. He grabbed his knife, and his machine gun and a bottle of whisky before he was ejected. On the way down in his parachute, the enemy was shooting at him, so he drank the whole bottle of whisky. When he hit the ground the enemy came to get him! So he started to shoot them. He shot them in the head and there was blood and brains flying all over, some of them he shot in the guts until their intestines were hanging to the ground before they fell and died. After he ran out of bullets he got the knife and was stabbing them in the eyes, and cutting their throats, and slicing their bellies open and Uncle Bob was covered in blood and there was blood and guts everywhere. Uncle Bob lost the knife and had to fight hand to hand and use his thumbs to gouge out their eyes, and his mouth to rip their throats open with his teeth. The dead bodies just piled up until the enemy was all dead. After they were dead he peed all over them and grabbed hand fulls of their guts and wrapped them around his neck like jewelry. Then Uncle Bob ran into the jungle covered in blood and guts until he found some Americans to take him back to the base..."
By this time most of the class was softly whimpering, Stuart was sucking his thumb and looking off in a thousand yard stare and little Suzy was rocking back and forth softly talking to herself.
Teacher said "My God, Johnny! What was THAT all about!!!!"
And little Johnny said "Dont you want to know about the proverb, teacher? You asked for a story so we could say a proverb, I was just trying to do good, teacher."
And she thinks, well, maybe I might get some control back, so she stammers " Well..., umm,..... ok, yes, what is it?
And little Johnny says with a grin "Dont fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!"
 
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A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde." I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised £75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model." "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get the jerk to reduce it. See you later, dad."
 
There was a young lady named Jill
Used a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
 
A man is walking down the street and walks up on another guy sitting at a bus stop with a dog.
The man asks, "Is you dog friendly?"
The guy says "Oh, yes, my dog is a sweetheart."
So the man leans down to pet the doggy and the dog snaps at his hand with blood in his eye.
The man jumps back, clearly terrified, and says "WHAT THE HELL, YOU JUST SAID YOUR F'ING DOG WAS FRIENDLY!!!!!"
And the guys says "Oh, that's not my dog...."
 
American indian boy asks his father how he named him. Father explains, well let me explain it this way, when your sister was born, we saw a deer jumping over the stream, so we called her Jumping Deer, and when your brother was born we saw a bear sitting on a log so we called him Sitting Bear, why do you ask Two Dogs Fuc*ing?
 
American indian boy asks his father how he named him. Father explains, well let me explain it this way, when your sister was born, we saw a deer jumping over the stream, so we called her Jumping Deer, and when your brother was born we saw a bear sitting on a log so we called him Sitting Bear, why do you ask Two Dogs Fuc*ing?
A oldy but a goody.
 
In a similar vein:

A man was waiting at a bus station when an elderly American Indian and his wife came into the station and sat close-by.

There was no-one else at the station so the man started a somewhat stilted conversation with the old Indian.

After a while he asked what the name of the Indian’s wife was.

“Her name Five Horses” the old man replied.

“Five Horses? That’s a different name. I don’t think I’ve heard that name before.” The man said.

“It old Indian name… it mean nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!”
 
Hey, have you guys in OZ got those stink bugs the we have here in the eastern US that came on a boat from China. Hell with the flu I've been killing those stink bugs all winter (here). Early on it was horrible, I was having hundreds of them in the house every day maybe 4 years ago, now they're down to a couple a day. But they're still a pain in the arse.
 
Hey, have you guys in OZ got those stink bugs the we have here in the eastern US that came on a boat from China. Hell with the flu I've been killing those stink bugs all winter (here). Early on it was horrible, I was having hundreds of them in the house every day maybe 4 years ago, now they're down to a couple a day. But they're still a pain in the arse.
Not sure about in OZ DogT, but they are here in southern Yokohama where I'm currently living.
 
There was a young lady named Jill
Used a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
Good one DogT so, are we on to limericks then...:) I remember a couple. There once a man from Nantucket......alright I'm gonna stop there
 
Yeah, every time I think of it, it brings tears to my eyes which is a relief these days. Wife loves it too. C'mon, tell me about Nantucket... rhyme with bucket or something similar? I've probably forgotten it given my age. It's like sometimes we watch the same movie and then decide we've seen it before.
 
Hey, have you guys in OZ got those stink bugs the we have here in the eastern US that came on a boat from China. Hell with the flu I've been killing those stink bugs all winter (here). Early on it was horrible, I was having hundreds of them in the house every day maybe 4 years ago, now they're down to a couple a day. But they're still a pain in the arse.
Yep - we have 'em too.
But here, they just stink - not sure how they become pains in your arses over there? Actually... don't want to know!

I just realised that you said "arse" instead of "ass" - are you an under-cover aussie?
 

There once was a man from Nantucket​




Who brought home a goat in a bucket
His wife said “is that dinner?”
He said “No, I’m a sinner”
And took it up stairs to ?uck it.
Well that's definitely different than what I have heard before about the Nantucket fellow.... It was said,,,, he was so long he could suck it, and he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin, if me ear was a c*nt I could f*xh it.
 
Hey, have you guys in OZ got those stink bugs the we have here in the eastern US that came on a boat from China. Hell with the flu I've been killing those stink bugs all winter (here). Early on it was horrible, I was having hundreds of them in the house every day maybe 4 years ago, now they're down to a couple a day. But they're still a pain in the arse.
I get them here in CT too. I hate them. Wish I knew where they are coming from.
 
I spent the first year we had them caulking everything I could. It helped a lot, but they find any tiny hole to get through. Tree fell on the roof during Sandy and had to replace part of the roof, when they took the plywood off, under the plywood was thick with millions of them. I get maybe 1-3 in the house on a warm winter day now. I keep a dust pan handy with a butane torch to burn them. Keeps the smell down and I don't like to touch them.

So the TWA stewardess asked the passenger, would you like TWA coffee, TWA milk or TWA tea?

Did you hear about the termite that walked in the pub and asked "Is the bartender here?"

No relation to the 'empire' here, I just know youse guys like to use 'arse', normally I would have said butt.
 
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