Post your jokes and humor here.

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Okay so the guys here at work are hip to me posting jokes on this thread and therefore they keep saying " I got one for ya Cj" and that's how I get many of these. Like....what do you call a happy cowboy...a jolly rancher........(some of you might not know of a hard candy sold in the U.S. called "jolly rancher") ...bit of a Dad joke though.:rolleyes:
 
Okay so the guys here at work are hip to me posting jokes on this thread and therefore they keep saying " I got one for ya Cj" and that's how I get many of these. Like....what do you call a happy cowboy...a jolly rancher........(some of you might not know of a hard candy sold in the U.S. called "jolly rancher") ...bit of a Dad joke though.:rolleyes:
I think you need some new work colleagues…

And Jerry needs to add a ‘groan’ emoji 😉
 
A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning. Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says: "Careful, CAREFUL, put more butter in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on! Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the butter now, look, they're sticking to the pan! Careful! Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don't forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!"

The wife stares at her husband: "What's wrong with you? You think I can't fry a few eggs?" The husband answers calmly: "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
 
A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning. Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says: "Careful, CAREFUL, put more butter in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on! Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the butter now, look, they're sticking to the pan! Careful! Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don't forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!"

The wife stares at her husband: "What's wrong with you? You think I can't fry a few eggs?" The husband answers calmly: "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Not advisable to try that whilst wifey is in control of a hot, heavy, frying pan !!
 
There was a joke that goes something like...

The wife said "If you don't stop doing that, you won't see me for a long time"
Well, I didn't stop and she was right! I didn't see her for 3 days.
On the fourth day I could just open one eye, with difficulty, enough to make out her profile.
 
We have a very large cast iron frying pan on the stove as well a small one, don't think I would survive a hard hit with them, but then the wife would have problems swing the large one, my problem is if I say anything I just got to watch if she hasn't a knife in her hand at the time.
 
Forget knives and pans I find the " tongue " more than adequately eviscerates me ...

Anyones wife want to borrow mine ? Her expertise is unsurpassed 😢
 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversen*sitive woman.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Pat to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Mike, died suddenly on July 23 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murd*er. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. 🙃😛🤣🤣
Credit - original owner ( respect 🫡)
 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversen*sitive woman.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Pat to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Mike, died suddenly on July 23 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murd*er. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. 🙃😛🤣🤣
Credit - original owner ( respect 🫡)
Post your jokes and humor here.
 
...sung to the tune:

Oh, the grand old Duke of York
He had eight million squid
He gave to someone he'd never met
For something he never did

That was apparently doing the rounds with the Palace staff a while ago.
 
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The motorcycle restoration guide to workshop tools:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t!'

ANGLE GRINDER: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench".
Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers.
Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

BASTARD TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Bastard' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
A few " jokes " from the era of the Norton Commando by the nowadays controversial Benny Hill ....

“Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.”

“I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.”

“Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.”

“Did you hear about the actress who was so dumb, she couldn’t count to two without taking off her blouse?”

.................

and now to balance things out a little ... Lol !!!

................


How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

What's the difference between a man's wife and his girlfriend?
60 pounds.

What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of orange. The barman says "still?" The man replies "well, I haven't changed my f***ing mind."

Why do doctors slap babies' bottoms as soon as they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Spice Girls.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

How does a man make sex more interesting?
He leaves town.

What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Why is a man like old age?
They both come too soon.

Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.

For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence.

Why don't men make ice cubes?
They don't know the recipe.

What do you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin.

Why are men like toilets?
They're either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

If a man and woman both jumped off a high building, who'd land first?
The woman. The man would get lost on the way.

What's a man's idea of a sophisticated cocktail?
A pint of beer with an olive in it.

Him: I can only cook two things - steak, and fried eggs.
Her: Which one's this?

There are two times in his life when a man doesn't understand women.
Before marriage, and after marriage.

Him: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
Her: I would, but you're never there.

How do you stop a man getting into your home?
Replace the door locks by bra fastenings.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
"You awake?"

Is he reliable?
Lets just say, whenever he wants me, there he is.

Where can you find a committed man?
In a mental institution.

Why do men put women on pedastals?
So they can look up their skirts.

How do you know when a man's had an orgasm?
He snores.

What's a sure sign a man will be unfaithful?
He has a penis.

Why are men like floor tiles?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life.

What does the smart guy do at the M&M factory?
Proof-read.

What's the quickest way of losing unwanted excess fat?
Divorce him.

What's the definition of a lazy man?
One who gets someone to read the DIY manual to him.

Why do most men have a beer belly?
So that his best friend has a roof over his head.

Why does a man like going to bed with two women?
So they'll have someone to talk to.

What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A hot-dog and a six-pack of beer.

Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Why do men only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
So their bosses won't need to re-train them.

Why do men like BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

When's the only time you can change a man?
When he's a baby.

Wife: I'd like to thank my husband for three wonderful years of marriage - 1982, 1984 and 1987.

How can you tell a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing.

Man: Fancy a quickie?
Woman: As opposed to what?

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum underneath.

What happened to the man who put odour-eaters in his shoes?
He disappeared.

What do you call a man who marries another man?
A priest.

How do you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.

How do you tell an old man?
It's not hard.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

What's most men's favourite hymn?
Oh come, oh come, Emanuelle.

How many men does it take to replace the toilet roll?
Don't know, it's never happened.

How do you bring a sparkle to a man's eyes?
Shine a torch in his ear.
 
If these people get this wrong, why should we believe anything they tell us?
So True, it seems that the days of Mainstream Investigative News Journalism is somewhat over and has been replaced with ditto head/echo chamber editorial & opinion pieces. When things are "reported" wrongly, the networks or outlets merely make a brief correction addendum later, and continue on with their "talking head" routine.
 
If these people get this wrong, why should we believe anything they tell us ?!?

View attachment 118907
I think it's a sad symptom, not isolated to Sky, of immediately looking for the most exciting spin that can be put on an incoming story rather that ensuring everything is factually correct.
Quite sad really.
I no longer watch/listen to news on TV/radio. I read newspapers, where you can flick past sensational bullshit (and ads)
Cheers
 
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