Post your jokes and humor here.

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A man was regretting being given a parrot as a gift. The bird was extremely bad tempered and used a lot of awful language. Every second word was an expletive and those that weren’t were rude.

He tried retraining it to use better language, played soothing background music and even repainted the room the bird was in with calming pastel colours. He even shifted the television into another room in case that was having a negative effect.

Nothing seemed to work. After weeks of trying different methods the man eventually resorted to shouting at the bird. It responded with an even louder, foul-mouthed torrent of abuse.

The man, at wit’s end, grabbed the parrot and shut it in the kitchen freezer. After a few seconds of muffled curses all was silent in the freezer. Concerned, the man quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot hopped out onto his arm and remorsefully said, “I’m terribly sorry to have been so bad tempered and used so much bad language. You have my word that I will behave much better from now on.”

The man was about to ask what had brought about such a dramatic change in attitude when the bird continued, “By the way, what did the bloody chicken do?”
 
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A student was walking on campus one day when a second student rode up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a cool bike?" asked the first.

The second replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.”
 
marshg246 said:
A student was walking on campus one day when a second student rode up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a cool bike?" asked the first.

The second replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.”
Click to expand...
Good choice!!
 
robs ss said:
Good choice!!
Click to expand...
marshg246 said:
A student was walking on campus one day when a second student rode up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a cool bike?" asked the first.

The second replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.”
Click to expand...
The version I heard was two engineering students, and t he reply was "Good choice, her clothes wouldn't suit you at all"
 
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
 
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