Post your jokes and humor here.

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I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

A woman behind me in the queue tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her “No, I’m starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. I did lose 20 kilos though, before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”

I told her “It really is essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load your pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. They are apparently totally nutritionally complete. I’ve decided to try it once more but I’ll be more careful this time.”

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked, “Did you end up in the hospital like that because the dog food poisoned you?”

I told her “No, it was because I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me!”

I thought the guy behind was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid woman, why else would I buy dog food?
 
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own." …….St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
--------- …..and this one which is in a slightly different vein ... -------------
A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead s*x life.
After cooking his favourite meal for dinner one evening, She had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view. It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile.”
“Thank God!” he said,” I thought you were sitting on the cat.”......He never saw her glass of wine coming
 
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cjandme said:
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own." …….St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
--------- …..and this one which is in a slightly different vein ... -------------
A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead s*x life.
After cooking his favourite meal for dinner one evening, She had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view. It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile.”
“Thank God!” he said,” I thought you were sitting on the cat.”......He never saw her glass of wine coming
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Yep, my wife is Southern Baptist. They always call that "The Andy Song", usually when selecting funeral music.... that is a popular one for the last ride...
 
Okay, the subject matter ain't funny, but what a howling mis-spell! Or should he have taxed his gun first!

'French police locked down parts of Lyon on Saturday as they searched for gunmen who shot an Orthadox priest with a sorn-off shotgun before fleeing.'

(From 'The Telegraph' online, who also fail to recognize orthodox has three 'o's)
 
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TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE
Twin sisters in a Dublin Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US ????"
 
Guy was in a rooftop bar when a fella sat next to him and ordered a drink. The guy said "Hey, I bet I can jump in the airshaft and the updraft will blow me back up to the roof." The fella said, " That is stupid it cant have that much updraft". So the guy goes to the edge, jumps off and a few minutes later flies up and lands on the roof. The fella is amazed, and the guy says, "Go ahead and try it". So the fella does and plunges 32 stories to his death. The bartender looks at the guy and says "That's it Superman, I am cutting you off, you are one mean drunk...."
 
cjandme said:
The lady next door ran over my cat. She said she'd replace it...So, I asked her how good she was at catching mice.
Click to expand...

That one made me laugh out loud !

So much so, my kids asked what I was laughing at. So I read it out to them in my best comedic prose. “That’s not even funny Dad” they informed me.

It must be the way I tell ‘em !
 
Fast Eddie said:
That one made me laugh out loud !

So much so, my kids asked what I was laughing at. So I read it out to them in my best comedic prose. “That’s not even funny Dad” they informed me.

It must be the way I tell ‘em !
Click to expand...
Maybe you should have gone to the Frank Carson school of comedians?
 
Well, my cousin sent it to me and I thought it was worth putting up here,,,, definitely put a smile on my face when I read it and it was nice and short. My cousin Graham sends me jokes all the time so I started sharing them when this thread started.
 
I starting giving my cat a bath. She doesn't really mind it, so it's cool. Only bad part is all that cat hair gets stuck on my toungue.....

File THAT one under jokes that make you cringe....
 
So old Ollie was on his deathbed. He was just laying there softly moanin' and groanin' away. But wait... ollie started sniffing and a' smelling and he thought "oh my goodness, my dear sweet Lena is makin' me some lefse, she knows how much I enjoy dat lefse...". So poor old Ollie rolled out of bed, and shuffled slowly into the kitchen and said " oh Lena, my dear sweet Lena you made me some lefse before I go". And Lena turned around and before Ollie could raise his hand very high she slapped it away and said " Ollie, you stay out of dat lefse, dat lefse is for after da funeral...".

Full disclosure, my mom's dad was born in Sweden and I DO have an uncle Ollie.... well, I HAD an uncle Ollie....
 
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done:
The monsignor replied. "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
 
​

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

“When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 50 yards."

“Is that when you swore?"

“No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again."

“Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

“Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

“Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f###ing putt, didn't you?
 


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