Post your jokes and humor here.

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Seems the Scottish Health Secretary is taking a well deserved bashing for not following her own rules, one yahoo reader vented his anti Scots feeling by posting the following gem:
21 minutes ago
This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never, ever give up. Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged out in a fight outside a KFC takeaway. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But she NEVER stopped believing and then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Scotland 2020
 
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Seems the Scottish Health Secretary is taking a well deserved bashing for not following her own rules, one yahoo reader vented his anti Scots feeling by posting the following gem:
21 minutes ago
This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never, ever give up. Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged out in a fight outside a KFC takeaway. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But she NEVER stopped believing and then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Scotland 2020
very good and adaptable too , going to nick this thanks
 
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Here's one:
A young man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the young man replied
“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Couple of minutes ago.”
 

acadian

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Question: Why do natives hate snow?
Answer: Because it's white and it's all over our land.
 
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Not a joke per se, but saw this today outside a pub and wondered is it a contradiction or oxymoron?:
'Pardon the inconvenience... But the toilets are closed'
 
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How about this:
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say
concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
 
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I was watching a movie and in it one of the main characters says: you know.... I met the Dalai Lama once...... And I happened to be cooking hot dogs at the time...... And I said to him.... What do you want? And he said "make me one with everything"
 

Richard Tool

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Jane and Susan are having a chat in the afterlife. Jane asks Susan : " How did you die ? "
Susan responds : " I froze to Death "
" That's horrible ! " says Jane.
" Not so bad " says Susan - " you tremble for bit but then you drift away into unconsciousness - it was actually very peaceful - how about you Jane - how did you die ? "
Jane answers rather sheepishly " I am embarrassed to tell but I was certain my husband was cheating on me and so I snuck home early one day only to find him alone on the couch watching TV . I was certain that the woman was hiding somewhere so I ransacked the house looking but never did find her and I died of a massive heart attack from the stress "
" HA " says Susan - " Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we would probably both be still alive ! "
 
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three couple arrived at the perley gates, the first couple stepped up and st peter looked in the book and said to the husband i cant let you in because you worshiped money so much you married a girl named penny, the second couple stepped up and st peter told the husband i cant let you in either, you worshiped alcohol so much you married a girl named sherry. on hearing this the third husband nudged his wife and said come on fanny lets go.
 
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This one always cracks me up!.

magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
 

robs ss

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A young Australian ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The ventriloquist, clearly embarrassed, begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ....... I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!”
 

robs ss

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A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says " Hey! we've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says " What? Kevin?"
 
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Lazza The Greek was lamenting his life to his friends one day - I have amassed great wealth and done many things of greatest for my community, he said.
See that school and university downtown - I build those places! But do people call me Lazza the Builder? No!
Look at those magnificent shipyards, I was the engineer who designed them but do people call me Lazza The Engineer? No.
Look at all my restaurants and community kitchens that provide wonderful food and work for my countrymen but do people call me Lazza The Restauranter? No!
But I get caught f**king one lousy goat ....
 

texasSlick

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This is the smartest blonde joke:

A blonde gets on an airplane, and before takeoff, the guy in the seat next to her says "Let's play a game. It will make the flight go faster. Here's how it works, you ask me a question, if I don't know the answer, I give you $5. I ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you give me $5."

The blonde says "I don't want to play a game, I just want to take a nap." The guy insists, and badgers her. He says "Look, I'll make the deal sweeter for you, if I don't know the answer, I'll give you $100, you still only need to give me $5 if you don't know the answer.

The blonde says "OK, but I get to ask the first question." The guy agrees, and the blonde asks "What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"

The guy says "Hmmm? Give me a minute to think about it." The blonde says "Sure, take all the time you want, I am taking a nap."

The guy gets out his smart phone and googles it .... no luck. He calls his office, and puts his assistant on it. He keeps trying, and the flight is descending when the blonde awakes from her nap, and the guy has to admit he doesn't know the answer, and dutifully pulls out a crisp Franklin and gives it to her, and she stuffs it into her bra.

The blonde then shuts her eyes and is about to nap again when the guy says "So what has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"

The blonde opens her purse, pulls out a five, hands it to him and says "I don't know."

Slick
 

baz

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I had a pen given to me today
It can write underwater
Aparantly it can write other words too !!
 
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Now we have an inkling of how Donald Trump developed that wonderful head of hair, he goes round increasing the water flow from the showerheads by drilling bigger holes!
 
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A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?" he asks

"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip,snip.

Out he comes. "How's that?" he asks again more confident.

"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked.

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."
 
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