Post your jokes and humor here.

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Post your jokes and humor here.
 
You All may have seen these before but, I thought what the heck:
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
 
cjandme said:
You All may have seen these before but, I thought what the heck:
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
Click to expand...
....and, why is Phonetic not spelled the way it sounds?
(if there's one word in the english language that should - this is it)
 
I have no interest in football. When I was at school in the early 70s the football guys were
a violent lot. Their weapon of choice was the Stanley knife so they could maim and slash
opponent's faces without killing them. The football lads at school attacked the coach of
a rival team from another school with the fire axes from the walls of the school.

It has always pleased me when England and English teams are knocked out in the early
stages of tournaments so the English fans do not go abroad to be violent in other countries.

The news reporting of the girls matches showed a carnival atmosphere everywhere and
correct me if I'm wrong, but there seemed to be no fan segregation ?

For the first time ever I watched a football match and had a beer.

I understood the humour of the car park joke. I was having a go at the obscenely overpaid
professional football tossers (sorry players)
 
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The local comprehensive. The bad lads used to go into the local town after
school to beat up the boys from the local private school, some dressed like
characters from A Clockwork Orange.

I preferred to try to get into the knickers of the local private girl school !
 
Fast Eddie said:
I’ve got two daughters and a missus so there was lots of joviality in the house with that great result !!
Click to expand...
Although I watched it alone, except when my wife got home 20 mins from the end, we all watched
it separately, but had a great time together with loads of Whatapps

An excellent evening with a great result.

Right, must get out in the garage to apply spanners !
 
Some did and some didn't :)

In the days before proper motorcycle gear the girls school uniform green wooly tights
were especially prized as they could be worn under greasy, oily jeans to keep warm
and waterproof when out on a bike in the cold weather.

Luckily I didn't end up in hospital wearing school girls green wooly tights :eek:
 
Most men only go to girls sports like tennis and now football and other girls sport to only watch boob bounce and flash of frilly knickers and pretend to be watching the game :cool::rolleyes::oops: its a sport in itself.
 
Stop me if you've heard this one before...

A train conductor was convicted of murder for throwing people off the train in the mountains of Bolivia, and was sentenced to death by electric chair. For his last meal he requested a banana. He ate it and they hooked him up to old sparky early the next morning. When they threw the switch there was a cloud of smoke, and when it cleared the conductor looked up and said "is that it" ?

The executioner looked at the warden and whispered about the bananas, saying hmm, maybe that had something to do with it? The man overheard them talking and said "it has nothing to do with the banana, I'm just a really bad conductor"

Edited for brevity as it's on the Web in long form.
 
The Grand Father:
I just got back from Walmart and I have to share this! I found myself behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad was saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it! That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad, “But I’m William. That little shit’s name is Kevin.”
 
gpzkat said:
Stop me if you've heard this one before...

A train conductor was convicted of murder for throwing people off the train in the mountains of Bolivia, and was sentenced to death by electric chair. For his last meal he requested a banana. He ate it and they hooked him up to old sparky early the next morning. When they threw the switch there was a cloud of smoke, and when it cleared the conductor looked up and said "is that it" ?

The executioner looked at the warden and whispered about the bananas, saying hmm, maybe that had something to do with it? The man overheard them talking and said "it has nothing to do with the banana, I'm just a really bad conductor"

Edited for brevity as it's on the Web in long form.
Click to expand...
Sort of reminded me of this one...

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red handprint on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: “The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.”

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: “That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.”

The Kiwi thinks: “The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.”

The Australian thinks: “I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.”
 
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