Post your jokes and humor here.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Voodooo
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83 year old man goes to the doctor and explains:
1. I have met a lovely 25 year old woman, really good cook, great meals etc etc.
Doctor: that’s great, but why have you come to see me?
Man: and she also does all my washing and ironing , it’s fantastic!
Doc: yes, great, but why are you here?
Man: she has also revived my sex life, which I didn’t expect to happen at my time of life!
Doc: that’s a result, lucky man! But PLEASE tell me what the problem is that has brought you here?
Man: well, the real reason is that I have forgotten where I live!!

( Told by the late great comic and writer Barry Cryer. ( UK) who died recently. )
 
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,

“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”

The priest said, “Well, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”

“So, why are you telling me this?”

Tell you? Oh boy, I’m telling everyone!
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........
 
Flatspot said:
View attachment 85993
Click to expand...
This is the trap I need!
Some critter is in my chicken coop, it has deployed my rat trap twice and shucked it off its' head. It has put tracks on a glue trap but has not stuck to it. It has carried off the bait can in a live animal trap without tripping the paddle trigger twice. This device seems like it cannot fail.

Slick
 
texasSlick said:
This is the trap I need!
Some critter is in my chicken coop, it has deployed my rat trap twice and shucked it off its' head. It has put tracks on a glue trap but has not stuck to it. It has carried off the bait can in a live animal trap without tripping the paddle trigger twice. This device seems like it cannot fail.

Slick
Click to expand...
Could be a bear.
 
If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help...

Once upon a time in a village in India, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.'

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to WALL STREET
 
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?”

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: “Of course they aren't bloody twins! The oldest is ten and the youngest is seven, why the hell would you think they're twins? You don’t really think they look the same do you, dickhead?”

“Absolutely not,” replies the greeter, “I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!”
 


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