Funny clean jokes wanted
- Thread starter Snorton74
- Start date
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2010
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- 3,289
Why I fired my secretary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
concours
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A rope walks into a bar, orders a beer.
Bartender says "get outta here! We don't serve ropes here!"
The rope walks outside, ties himself in a knot, tousles his hair, changes his appearance, walks back into the bar and orders a beer.
"Hey... aren't you the rope that was just here?"
"Nope. I'm afraid not"
Bartender says "get outta here! We don't serve ropes here!"
The rope walks outside, ties himself in a knot, tousles his hair, changes his appearance, walks back into the bar and orders a beer.
"Hey... aren't you the rope that was just here?"
"Nope. I'm afraid not"
concours
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A woman walks into the Dr.'s office, asks him about breast augmentation, perhaps implants, wants to make her breasts bigger.
"There's a less invasive, lower cost method I recommend" he says.
"Oh?" the woman responds "what is it?"
Doc says: "Take toilet paper, rub it between your breasts every day"
"That won't work! That's just silly!" she exclaims
"Well, it worked on your arse, didn't it?!"
"There's a less invasive, lower cost method I recommend" he says.
"Oh?" the woman responds "what is it?"
Doc says: "Take toilet paper, rub it between your breasts every day"
"That won't work! That's just silly!" she exclaims
"Well, it worked on your arse, didn't it?!"
concours
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"Ian, I've cut me finger!"
"How bad?"
"Awe, not so bad, probably not need stitches, hurts though. Should I just bandage it?"
"Naw, I recommend an old home remedy."
"Oh? What is it?"
"Soak it in cider."
"Soak it in cider?!?!" with a very quizzical look. :?: :?
"Yup. WAY UP in cider."
"How bad?"
"Awe, not so bad, probably not need stitches, hurts though. Should I just bandage it?"
"Naw, I recommend an old home remedy."
"Oh? What is it?"
"Soak it in cider."
"Soak it in cider?!?!" with a very quizzical look. :?: :?
"Yup. WAY UP in cider."
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- Feb 28, 2009
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- 546
Three dead bodies
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'..
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'..
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- Feb 28, 2009
- Messages
- 546
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife".
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife".
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- Oct 7, 2005
- Messages
- 1,170
A high-rise medical building had a cocktail bar in the street-level shopping section. A dentist had an office on one of the upper floors. He always followed the same routine after closing the office for the day, stopping in the bar for a drink. The drink was the same every night, a daiquiri with ground almonds in it, and the bartender was accustomed to having it ready when the dentist walked in.
One afternoon, when the bartender got the nut-grider out, he realised they were out of almonds. He was wondering what to tell the dentist, when he notice there was a dish of hickory nuts on the bar. He ground some of those up and added them to the drink.
The dentist came in, sipped his drink and said to the bartender "This doesn't taste like my usual almond daiqiri, Dick." The bartender replied "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
One afternoon, when the bartender got the nut-grider out, he realised they were out of almonds. He was wondering what to tell the dentist, when he notice there was a dish of hickory nuts on the bar. He ground some of those up and added them to the drink.
The dentist came in, sipped his drink and said to the bartender "This doesn't taste like my usual almond daiqiri, Dick." The bartender replied "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
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- Oct 19, 2005
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- 18,978
The best story of the year has to be ...this painful but understandable story told by a loving wife........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.
"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
" We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out
they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Bob Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife... the word is... sternum."
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.
"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
" We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out
they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Bob Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife... the word is... sternum."
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- Apr 20, 2011
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THE FROG THAT DIED AT DAWN
One fine Spring morning I signed on for a single manned driving turn running coal from the local collieries into Blyth Power Station, with a canny lad for guard, named Derek. The orders consisted of three trips to Lynemouth with empty HAA Merry-Go-Round sets and coal back - an easy job with fully fitted trains and so I expected the shift to last about six hours. Everything went as smooth as silk on the first trip, and we arrived at the Power in good time.
Compared to the old loose-coupled freight days, running into the power station was now an absolute doddle; once we were in the arrival road and clear, the brake was fully applied, and while Derek pinned the wagon brakes down, I changed ends and by the time the brake came back up, Derek was up in the cab, ready to run around and tie onto the next set of empties. As soon as we had tied on I got the brake up and Derek walked to the rear of the train, examining each wagon as he went. When he reached the last wagon, I quickly locked the brake valve (so the air brake pipe was not being charged with air) and this enabled Derek to test the continuity of the brake pipe by opening the tap on the last wagon. As the air 'whooshed' out I watched the brake pressure gauge fall to zero, and then reopened the brake valve to recharge the train pipe with air.
Meanwhile Derek checked that the brake pads had gone on - and, after closing the tap, checked that they had released. This was standard practice with all air-braked trains, and it was the train crew's duty to complete this task every time a new load was picked up, or a wagon attached or detached as a matter of safety.
Derek climbed up into the cab - 'Brake test okay, Freddy?'
'Okay,' I replied.
He handed me the Load Slip - 'Right, there's thirty-two HAA for Lynemouth. I'll be in the back cab having a bite to eat,' he added, then climbed down and shouted from the back - 'Rightaway.'
I acknowledged with a wave, and then moved the train slowly out of the sidings towards the weighbridge on the departure lines. As the loco clumped over the weighbridge, I drew the load forward at the regulation five mph for weighing. Ahead I noticed that Freemans Cabin had us cleared for away; the signalman was standing in the doorway, enjoying the sunrise and having a smoke.
I was almost up to the 'Clear of Weighbridge' board when I felt the slightest tug; I dropped the window to look back, but I could see nothing untoward, but when I looked ahead I saw the Freemans signalman rushing down the cabin stairs frantically waving a red flag.
'Something weird is going on here,' I muttered to myself, shut the power off and pushed the brake valve to emergency. I climbed down from the cab and heard the signalman shouting - 'Did ye not see, did ye not see? How did ye not see?'
'Did I not see what?' I called back.
'The last two wagons!' he cried out.
I turned and looked - 'What's the matter with 'em? They look all right to me.'
'Noo, no, no… them's not the last two wagons, I saw them rolling over!'
'Whadjameen rollin' over? If they'd rolled over, I'd have seen 'em!'
'I'll show you,' he said.
So we both walked quickly to the rear of the train...I couldn't believe my eyes! The last but one wagon was lying on its side; it had obviously been dragged like that from the weighbridge, but I hadn't been able to see it due to the fact that the last wagon was upside down, holding the second but last wagon on its side out of my view. It said a lot for the strength of the Instanter Couplings, but how the brake pipes had not parted was beyond my comprehension. On closer inspection, the right side of the weighbridge had collapsed, and it looked as if the last two wagons had been catapulted out of the hole by the elasticity of the sixty drawbars in front of them.
Anyway, whilst we were walking back to the loco, I noticed the squashed corpse of a frog on the top of the rail between two wagons; its head and forelegs dangling pitifully over the forefoot side, its back legs hanging by a shred of flesh over the off side.
When we got back to the loco, I acquainted Derek of the problem on the weighbridge and the signalman went to inform the Brains Trust (nickname of the hierarchy at Control) of the situation, returning several minutes later with the news that the Area Manager's assistant was on his way to take charge of the situation. When the assistant arrived in the distance, I was relieved to see it was the same young chap who'd accompanied old John and myself on the snowplough trip. He took one critical look at the damaged weighbridge, then stormed towards me demanding to know what had happened…
Now, it's not in my nature to treat a railway accident in a flippant manner, but it was fairly obvious what had happened; moreover the assistant Area Manager was a nice enough young chap in an odd sort of way, but he was an infuriatingly opinionated individual who had some very strange ideas about man management, which inevitably grated on everyone's nerves. For instance, someone carelessly left a tap dripping in the Cambois washroom, or 'ablutions' as the young assistant preferred to call it, and this had angered him no end. Within minutes of finding out, he stuck a notice above every washbasin with detailed instructions on how to turn the taps off…
'Well!' he demanded - 'How did this lot happen?'
Perhaps I should have picked another time to wind him up; I told him that we had run over a frog...
He gawped at me in disbelief - 'A frog!'
'Aye, it's dead,' I said solemnly, then went on to explain that I was deeply distressed about it; that I could identify with the frog because it had come out on a lovely morning, jumped up on the rail to get a better view; sitting there minding its own business, planning the events of the day and without any warning, it gets flattened by a train.
He glared at me - 'Get on the friggin' engine!' he ordered, and stomped off back to the rear of the train at a fast pace.
'I can show you the frog, if you like?' I called after him.
I swear his stride never faltered, but I'm sure I heard him shout - 'FROG OFF!'
One fine Spring morning I signed on for a single manned driving turn running coal from the local collieries into Blyth Power Station, with a canny lad for guard, named Derek. The orders consisted of three trips to Lynemouth with empty HAA Merry-Go-Round sets and coal back - an easy job with fully fitted trains and so I expected the shift to last about six hours. Everything went as smooth as silk on the first trip, and we arrived at the Power in good time.
Compared to the old loose-coupled freight days, running into the power station was now an absolute doddle; once we were in the arrival road and clear, the brake was fully applied, and while Derek pinned the wagon brakes down, I changed ends and by the time the brake came back up, Derek was up in the cab, ready to run around and tie onto the next set of empties. As soon as we had tied on I got the brake up and Derek walked to the rear of the train, examining each wagon as he went. When he reached the last wagon, I quickly locked the brake valve (so the air brake pipe was not being charged with air) and this enabled Derek to test the continuity of the brake pipe by opening the tap on the last wagon. As the air 'whooshed' out I watched the brake pressure gauge fall to zero, and then reopened the brake valve to recharge the train pipe with air.
Meanwhile Derek checked that the brake pads had gone on - and, after closing the tap, checked that they had released. This was standard practice with all air-braked trains, and it was the train crew's duty to complete this task every time a new load was picked up, or a wagon attached or detached as a matter of safety.
Derek climbed up into the cab - 'Brake test okay, Freddy?'
'Okay,' I replied.
He handed me the Load Slip - 'Right, there's thirty-two HAA for Lynemouth. I'll be in the back cab having a bite to eat,' he added, then climbed down and shouted from the back - 'Rightaway.'
I acknowledged with a wave, and then moved the train slowly out of the sidings towards the weighbridge on the departure lines. As the loco clumped over the weighbridge, I drew the load forward at the regulation five mph for weighing. Ahead I noticed that Freemans Cabin had us cleared for away; the signalman was standing in the doorway, enjoying the sunrise and having a smoke.
I was almost up to the 'Clear of Weighbridge' board when I felt the slightest tug; I dropped the window to look back, but I could see nothing untoward, but when I looked ahead I saw the Freemans signalman rushing down the cabin stairs frantically waving a red flag.
'Something weird is going on here,' I muttered to myself, shut the power off and pushed the brake valve to emergency. I climbed down from the cab and heard the signalman shouting - 'Did ye not see, did ye not see? How did ye not see?'
'Did I not see what?' I called back.
'The last two wagons!' he cried out.
I turned and looked - 'What's the matter with 'em? They look all right to me.'
'Noo, no, no… them's not the last two wagons, I saw them rolling over!'
'Whadjameen rollin' over? If they'd rolled over, I'd have seen 'em!'
'I'll show you,' he said.
So we both walked quickly to the rear of the train...I couldn't believe my eyes! The last but one wagon was lying on its side; it had obviously been dragged like that from the weighbridge, but I hadn't been able to see it due to the fact that the last wagon was upside down, holding the second but last wagon on its side out of my view. It said a lot for the strength of the Instanter Couplings, but how the brake pipes had not parted was beyond my comprehension. On closer inspection, the right side of the weighbridge had collapsed, and it looked as if the last two wagons had been catapulted out of the hole by the elasticity of the sixty drawbars in front of them.
Anyway, whilst we were walking back to the loco, I noticed the squashed corpse of a frog on the top of the rail between two wagons; its head and forelegs dangling pitifully over the forefoot side, its back legs hanging by a shred of flesh over the off side.
When we got back to the loco, I acquainted Derek of the problem on the weighbridge and the signalman went to inform the Brains Trust (nickname of the hierarchy at Control) of the situation, returning several minutes later with the news that the Area Manager's assistant was on his way to take charge of the situation. When the assistant arrived in the distance, I was relieved to see it was the same young chap who'd accompanied old John and myself on the snowplough trip. He took one critical look at the damaged weighbridge, then stormed towards me demanding to know what had happened…
Now, it's not in my nature to treat a railway accident in a flippant manner, but it was fairly obvious what had happened; moreover the assistant Area Manager was a nice enough young chap in an odd sort of way, but he was an infuriatingly opinionated individual who had some very strange ideas about man management, which inevitably grated on everyone's nerves. For instance, someone carelessly left a tap dripping in the Cambois washroom, or 'ablutions' as the young assistant preferred to call it, and this had angered him no end. Within minutes of finding out, he stuck a notice above every washbasin with detailed instructions on how to turn the taps off…
'Well!' he demanded - 'How did this lot happen?'
Perhaps I should have picked another time to wind him up; I told him that we had run over a frog...
He gawped at me in disbelief - 'A frog!'
'Aye, it's dead,' I said solemnly, then went on to explain that I was deeply distressed about it; that I could identify with the frog because it had come out on a lovely morning, jumped up on the rail to get a better view; sitting there minding its own business, planning the events of the day and without any warning, it gets flattened by a train.
He glared at me - 'Get on the friggin' engine!' he ordered, and stomped off back to the rear of the train at a fast pace.
'I can show you the frog, if you like?' I called after him.
I swear his stride never faltered, but I'm sure I heard him shout - 'FROG OFF!'
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2009
- Messages
- 546
AMMO's GETTING SCARCE!!
Saturday morning I lucked and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home, I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my Chevy and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy". Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"
Saturday morning I lucked and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home, I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my Chevy and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy". Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2005
- Messages
- 1,170
This is supposedly a true story:
After Charles de Gaulle resigned as President of France, there was a big celebration dinner, at which the General and Madame de Gaulle were seated with British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan and his wife. During a lull between courses, Mrs Macmillan asked Madame de Gaulle "What are you most looking forward to once your husband resigns". She and the others within earshot were shocked when Madame replied "A penis".
During the embarrassed silence that followed, the General turned to his wife and said "I believe, Ma Chere, that the English pronounce that word as "appiness".
After Charles de Gaulle resigned as President of France, there was a big celebration dinner, at which the General and Madame de Gaulle were seated with British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan and his wife. During a lull between courses, Mrs Macmillan asked Madame de Gaulle "What are you most looking forward to once your husband resigns". She and the others within earshot were shocked when Madame replied "A penis".
During the embarrassed silence that followed, the General turned to his wife and said "I believe, Ma Chere, that the English pronounce that word as "appiness".