Funny clean jokes wanted
- Thread starter Snorton74
- Start date
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2013
- Messages
- 12
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2005
- Messages
- 18,978
A young man
shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she
stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him.
She finally
overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and
said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's
just that you look so much like my late
son."
He answered,
"That's okay."
She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make
me feel so happy."
She then went
through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the
store, the man called out,
"Goodbye, Mom."
The little
old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that
he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went
to pay for his groceries.
"That
comes to $121.85," said the
clerk..
"How
come so much? I only bought 5
items."
The clerk
replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for
her things, too."
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED,
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!
shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she
stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him.
She finally
overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and
said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's
just that you look so much like my late
son."
He answered,
"That's okay."
She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make
me feel so happy."
She then went
through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the
store, the man called out,
"Goodbye, Mom."
The little
old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that
he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went
to pay for his groceries.
"That
comes to $121.85," said the
clerk..
"How
come so much? I only bought 5
items."
The clerk
replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for
her things, too."
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED,
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE "LIGHT"!
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2005
- Messages
- 18,978
Subject: Male Logic
MALE LOGIC.....FLAWLESS
Critical Thinking
At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
MALE LOGIC.....FLAWLESS
Critical Thinking
At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2012
- Messages
- 31
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2014
- Messages
- 1,169
A guy playing golf teams up with a priest also walking the course.
He is having a real bad day putting, and each time he misses he yells
out "uckin missed!!!".
Eventually the priest has had enough and says "son, if you keep that
language up, God will STRIKE YOU DOWN!!
On the next hole same thing, he misses the hole and yells out
"uckin missed" in absolute frustration.
The skies go black and a bolt of lightening flashes down,
striking the priest and blowing him into pieces.
A voice from the sky booms:
UCKIN MISSED!!!!!
He is having a real bad day putting, and each time he misses he yells
out "uckin missed!!!".
Eventually the priest has had enough and says "son, if you keep that
language up, God will STRIKE YOU DOWN!!
On the next hole same thing, he misses the hole and yells out
"uckin missed" in absolute frustration.
The skies go black and a bolt of lightening flashes down,
striking the priest and blowing him into pieces.
A voice from the sky booms:
UCKIN MISSED!!!!!
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2013
- Messages
- 865
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2011
- Messages
- 5,773
Two cannibals were starting to eat a cooked human corpse;
1st Cannibal “You start at the toes and I’ll start at the head”
2nd Cannibal “OK”
1st Cannibal “ How are you doing?”
2nd Cannibal “Fine, I’m having a ball”
1st Cannibal “ You’re eating too fast, slow down!”
1st Cannibal “You start at the toes and I’ll start at the head”
2nd Cannibal “OK”
1st Cannibal “ How are you doing?”
2nd Cannibal “Fine, I’m having a ball”
1st Cannibal “ You’re eating too fast, slow down!”
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2005
- Messages
- 18,978
Ok as no longer clean jokes here's ancient one.
Two black bucks walking across Golden Gate bridge saying how far down the water was then one says he'd gots to take a leak so hauls it out and say yeah and its cold too so the other wipes it out and say yeah and deep too.
Two black bucks walking across Golden Gate bridge saying how far down the water was then one says he'd gots to take a leak so hauls it out and say yeah and its cold too so the other wipes it out and say yeah and deep too.
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2008
- Messages
- 834
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"Why the HELL would they want a plasterer?"
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"Why the HELL would they want a plasterer?"
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2008
- Messages
- 7,253
Clean joke.
You know what you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole -Hot cross bunnies
Funny joke
Seen on the wall of a tavern in Oklahoma
Did you know guys are smarter when they are having sex.
Of course, they are plugged into a know it all....
You know what you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole -Hot cross bunnies
Funny joke
Seen on the wall of a tavern in Oklahoma
Did you know guys are smarter when they are having sex.
Of course, they are plugged into a know it all....
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2010
- Messages
- 3,289
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'