Post your jokes and humor here.

An Aussie is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

A woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing’s running about an hour fast - can I buy you a drink?"
 
That's a really good pick up line. Here's a couple more.: Hey, I heard that you were really good at Algebra... Could you replace my x without asking y? Is your name Google, because you have eveeything I've been searching for! Do you know what material my shirt is made of,.... Boyfriend material. lol
 
Two large dogs in adjacent cages at the Vet's struck up a conversation; Dog #1; "What are you in for?" Dog #2; "I got caught humping my owner's wife." Dog #1; "Me too! Are they gonna cut your nuts, too?" Dog #2; "No, just my toenails."
 
Craig said:
My wife of 41 yrs has never eaten at mclicks … … the Doctor access joke is same here in Nova Scotia , less than a million population total , 70,000 plus have no access what so ever to a Doc , Gov. trying to setup virtual care , I suspect folks without a Doc have no computer either , why they got left out in the first place …. Duh ….
Click to expand...
At least some civil servant has got a sense of humour!
 
A muse from my childhood -

One bright day in the middle of the night
two dead boys got up to fight.

They faced each other back to back
then drew their swords and shot each other.

When a deaf policeman heard the noise
he came and killed the two dead boys.

If you think my tale is tall
ask the blind lady - she saw it all.

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor
and if you don’t want I’ll tell you more

about one bright day in the middle of the night
when two dead boys got up to fight.
 
Post your jokes and humor here.
 
Richard Tool said:
A muse from my childhood -

One bright day in the middle of the night
two dead boys got up to fight.

They faced each other back to back
then drew their swords and shot each other.

When a deaf policeman heard the noise
he came and killed the two dead boys.

If you think my tale is tall
ask the blind lady - she saw it all.

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor
and if you don’t want I’ll tell you more

about one bright day in the middle of the night
when two dead boys got up to fight.
Click to expand...
I know it as
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew there swords and shot each other
The blind man saw it
The deaf man heard it
And the man with no legs got up and ran to the toilet.
 
phippsy said:
I know it as
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew there swords and shot each other
The blind man saw it
The deaf man heard it
And the man with no legs got up and ran to the toilet.
Click to expand...
We had:
One blind man to see fair play
Two dumb men to shout hooray....
 
A motorist stopped for a drink at a pub in the Yorkshire Dales and was very surprised to see a farmer with his sheepdog wearing brown boots. The motorist asked the farmer "Why's the dog wearing brown boots?" The farmer replied that for a pint of beer he'd tell him. After a bit of quibbling the motorist agreed. "He's wearing brown boots" the farmer explained "because his black boots are at the cobblers!"
 
phippsy said:
I know it as
One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew there swords and shot each other
The blind man saw it
The deaf man heard it
And the man with no legs got up and ran to the toilet.
Click to expand...
And he couldn't sh*t cause he was a skeleton. . . . .
 
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
‘What’s up?’ says the driver.
‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.
‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? a Yamahahahaha:D
 
This bloke hears a rumour that his wife is having an affair with another man. So one day he comes home early to catch her out.

Sure enough there's a strange car in the drive. He slams open the door in a rage, stomps up the stairs, barges into the bedroom to see his wife naked in bed, alone.

“OK - where is he ? “ He shouts , looking around, eyes bulging in fury.

“ Who darling? “ she asks innocently.

Suddenly he hears a noise outside. Looking out of the window he sees a man walking away from the house. In an apoplectic rage he picks up the wardrobe and hurls it through the window, glass and all, hitting the fellow below and crushing him to the ground. His wife shrieks in fury , grabs a heavy table lamp and smashes him over the head. He falls down senseless.

Waking up in the hospital emergency ward, bandaged , bruised and with the worst headache ever, he looked around. On his left is a fellow in terrible shape. Bandaged head, broken arm, leg in traction.

“What happened to you?” he asks

“Well, I was minding my own business just walking along the street when some maniac threw a heavy wardrobe out of a window onto my head! If I ever catch that guy I'm gonna kill him!”

He looks away guiltily.

On his right is another bloke in even worse shape. 2 broken arms, 2 broken legs, bandaged head plasma drip, the lot.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“Well I was just sitting in this wardrobe………
 
Time for some low brow humor. How did Hellen Keller burn her ear? She answered the iron. I will now leave quietly.
 
I just came here to thank all the folks who accuse their political opponents of being "sheep" while taking livestock wormer for COVID prevention. Bill Gates said it was a stroke of genius to hide the tracking chips in invermectin.
 
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