Post your jokes and humor here.

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An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 

rwalker28

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I probably told this before.

A computer nerd goes over to his geek friend's house for a lively evening of computer games and Dungeons and Dragons with a bunch of his nerdy friends. He is a little late and one of the guys asks him why is he late?

And the computer nerd says "Well, I was walking over through the park and that hot blonde girl with the super nice body - you know the one with the big boobs - well SHE jumps off her bike, runs over to me, opens her blouse RIGHT in front of me and says 'Take whatever you want big boy!!!!' "

And the other guys are all getting excited and one say" Yeah, so what did you do?"

And the computer nerd say "Well, I didn't need to think twice, I took the bike!"

And all the guys were all saying to him "Yeah, good choice....", "That's what I would have done", "Fast thinking there."

Apologies to the IT people in the forum... LOL....
 

rwalker28

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This is a good one, the wife told it again the other day I forgot all about it.

So this guy is driving through a small town out in the country and he doesn't slow down from the open road, he is going 75 in a 25. The town cop zooms out and pulls him over, walks up to his car and tells him and his buddy who is in the front seat to get out. And then he take his ticket book and just clobbers the driver with it a couple of times in the head and says: "Dont you EVER come speeding through my town like that again. EVER!!!" And then writes him a big ol' ticket.

Then he tells them to get in the car.

But before they drive off, the cop who is walking away stops, turns around and he walks over to the passenger side and tells the passenger to get out again. And then he just waps him across the face a couple of times real hard with his ticket book and tells him to get his ass back in the car. As the guy is getting into the car rubbing the big red marks all over his face the cop says, "Ok, now YOU got your wish granted so NOW we ARE done here, get out hell of my town".

And the passenger, who is totally outraged sputters out " what the... you cant... what do you mean "My wish"....."

And the cop looks at him and smiles a big ol' grin for the first time and says " You know, when you get a couple miles down the road and you puff all up and get all self righteous and tough and say to the driver 'I just wish that f=ing cop had tried to slap ME around like that...'"
 
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MikeG

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WARNING!!!! EXPLICIT INNUENDO !!

A guy goes out hunting one day and spends the entire day in the woods without seeing anything. As he's headed back to his truck he sees a bear, raises his rifle and fires, but misses the bear. The bear is outraged and walks over to the guy and says "You ba$tard, you tried to kill me!" The hunter says "no no , it was an accident the gun went off by itself". The bear says "like hell it did. Just for that I'm going to give you a buggering like all get out!" The bear procedes to do so, and when he's done gets up and ambles off. The hunter is outraged and raises his rifle again, but again misses. The bear comes back and the whole scene is repeated again. By this time the hunter is pretty sore and pissed off and he shoots and misses again as the bear walks off. When the bear comes back this time the hunter says " I'm sorry, really Mr Bear, really, I dropped my rifle and it went by it self. The bear looks at him and says "You didn't really come here to hunt did you?"
 

rwalker28

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Here's another nature story.

I used to tell this to my son all the time.

When we went out on the road in rural Arizona to go fishing for camping or whatnot, when I would see some of those big old black grackles in the road (like big mean looking crows) I would tell him they are the product of female roadrunners mating with male woodpeckers. And they are where all the pot holes in the road are from because the product of a roadrunner/woodpecker mommy and daddy is a family of little roadpeckers, and that ones we are looking at are all grown up and getting ready to make a some potholes....
 

BERT

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Two trees, one a birch and one a beech, grew side by side in the forest together, growing taller each passing year. A sapling appeared between them one spring, and as it grew taller the birch and beech started to discuss what species it was, each laying claim. One day, Woody landed on the birch, so he said," Woody, please settle this debate for us and go down there and tell us if that sapling is a son of a birch or a son of a beech, would you? Off Woody goes and soon returns. "Well, is it a son of a birch or a son of a beech?" Woody replies,"It was the best piece of ash I've ever had!"
 
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I probably told this before.

A computer nerd goes over to his geek friend's house for a lively evening of computer games and Dungeons and Dragons with a bunch of his nerdy friends. He is a little late and one of the guys asks him why is he late?

And the computer nerd says "Well, I was walking over through the park and that hot blonde girl with the super nice body - you know the one with the big boobs - well SHE jumps off her bike, runs over to me, opens her blouse RIGHT in front of me and says 'Take whatever you want big boy!!!!' "

And the other guys are all getting excited and one say" Yeah, so what did you do?"

And the computer nerd say "Well, I didn't need to think twice, I took the bike!"

And all the guys were all saying to him "Yeah, good choice....", "That's what I would have done", "Fast thinking there."

Apologies to the IT people in the forum... LOL....
What's the difference between a Nerd and a Geek? A Nerd is someone who works with computers. A Geek is a Nerd who will work for free. As told to Jeltz by nerd@zyx who I think sold his domain for 7 figures.
 

Fast Eddie

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5B31819E-672C-4D85-BA7E-2C757CAAD2A0.jpeg
 

texasSlick

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That is going to sail right past anyone out of Europe and UK, 'but she won't do sales tax' does not have the same ring ;)
That does NOT sail past me!
I have recently had to register to collect VAT. What an experience!
Off topic, I know, this thread is for jokes..... I just could not resist getting in a dig on HMRC.

Slick
 
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I was listening to a comic at a gentlemens dinner the other day. He said " If I seem a little bit down Lads please bear with me, but I've been very stressed lately & when I get home in the evening I've been phoning those sex chat lines. Got the phone bill the other day, £1800. What ever you do lads don't phone Stuttering Sluts".
 

robs ss

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Lyrics - if you want them...

We got married on Friday,

My girl was right there beside me,

Our friends were all gone,

We were alone,

Side by side



We were so happily wed when,

She got ready for bed then,

Her teeth and her hair,

She placed on the chair,

Side by side



One glass eye so tiny

One hearing aid so small,

Then she took one leg off,

And placed on the chair by the wall



I stood there broken hearted,

Most of my girl had departed,

I slept on the chair,

There was more of her there,

Side by side
 
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