Post your jokes and humor here.

Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
2,196
Country flag
There were two guys working for Thurrock Council. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
 
Joined
Mar 7, 2020
Messages
1,985
Country flag
There were two guys working for Thurrock Council. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
If that's Thurrock UK, as a regular user of their road network I can totally buy this :-(
 
Joined
Jan 30, 2020
Messages
420
Country flag
Liverpool

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl..

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Bolton fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Bolton fan?'

'Because my mum is a Bolton fan, and my dad is a Bolton fan, so I'm a Bolton fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Bolton fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.


Money

It was 1990 and Mikhail Gorbachev called Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, to request help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster”

"Mr. Gorbachev, the British people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you”, replied the PM.

"I do need help," said Gorbachev. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over"?

"Why certainly, I'll get right on it," said Maggie.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please”, said Gorbachev .

"Yes"?

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter”? said Gorbachev.

"No problem." replied Maggie and, with that, she hung-up and called the CEO of Durex.

"I need a favour. You've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the CEO of Durex.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter."

"Easily done, Prime Minister. Anything else"?

"Yeah," said Maggie. "I want each to have stamped on them, 'Made in Great Britain’. Size: Small"


Money

There was a Cavan man named Padraig Reilly who had worked all his life and still had his communion money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take it to the afterlife with me.” And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in his casket (bargain basement economy selection in accordance with the will); his wife was sitting there in black, and her best friend was sitting right next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife yelled, “Hold on just a minute!”

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her astonished friend said,

“You weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband, were you?”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen. I’m a Catholic, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

Aghast, the friend double-checked,

“You really mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!” “I sure did,” said the wife.

“I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”
 

rwalker28

VIP MEMBER
Joined
May 21, 2011
Messages
445
Country flag
My wif
Whats the differance between a Porsche & a Porupine ?

With a Porcupine the pricks are on the outside .
My works at a hospital and a a guy in a porsche backed out and scraped her car and told her he was a lawyer so dont bother trying to get any money out of him. So she said to him, So it IS true about porsches and porcupines. And she said he got mad and called her a bitch and then got madder when she started laughing at him (so he obviously already heard the joke.) If you knew my wife you would know that is no exaggeration. I love her.
 

MikeG

VIP MEMBER
Joined
May 31, 2012
Messages
613
Country flag
A traveling salesman is making the rounds in a rural part of (insert your favorite stereotype here) Vermont. He stops at a farmhouse, and after making his pitch to the lady of the house he askes if he can use the loo. The woman replies that all the have is an outhouse but you're more than welcome to use it. Paw might be in there she says, but its a two holer so no problems. The salesman goes in and sure enough the old farmer is in there. Not to be deterred he starts making his sales pitch while they sit but he makes no sale. Soon enough the farmer gets up, and as he's pulling up his overalls a nickel falls out of his pocket and down the hole. Swearing under his breath he pulls out a fiver and throws it down the hole too. The salesman watches this and askes why he did that. Well, says the farmer, I'm not going in after just a nickel.
 

rwalker28

VIP MEMBER
Joined
May 21, 2011
Messages
445
Country flag
So these two University of Arizona graduates are walking down the road and they come on a pile of something on the sidewalk.
One of the guys says "Hey stop, look! That looks like dog shit."
The other one get down on his knees and leans over and says "Oh yeah, that sure smells like dog shit."
So the first guy gets on his knees too and leans over, and sticks his finger in it and licks it off of his finger and exclaims "Ohhhh, that's nasty, ohhh, yeah, THAT is dog shit.... yuck... , here you taste some"
And the other guys does the same and also say very emphatically "Yeah, ohhh gross, that is horrible, yep, I agree, that IS dog shit. Good thing you stopped us, we might have stepped in it...."
 

Fast Eddie

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Oct 4, 2013
Messages
15,777
Country flag
B040CC1C-81E4-4D76-BA1B-C81FDA98DC23.jpeg
 

robs ss

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Aug 16, 2016
Messages
1,697
Country flag
So these two University of Arizona graduates are walking down the road and they come on a pile of something on the sidewalk.
One of the guys says "Hey stop, look! That looks like dog shit."
The other one get down on his knees and leans over and says "Oh yeah, that sure smells like dog shit."
So the first guy gets on his knees too and leans over, and sticks his finger in it and licks it off of his finger and exclaims "Ohhhh, that's nasty, ohhh, yeah, THAT is dog shit.... yuck... , here you taste some"
And the other guys does the same and also say very emphatically "Yeah, ohhh gross, that is horrible, yep, I agree, that IS dog shit. Good thing you stopped us, we might have stepped in it...."
That's an old Cheech and Chong gag - they played it as cavemen.
 
Last edited:

robs ss

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Aug 16, 2016
Messages
1,697
Country flag
A cowboy rides into a dusty western town and dismounts outside the local saloon. He ties up his horse at the hitching rail before going around to the rear of the horse, lifting its tail then planting a long, firm kiss on the horse’s rectum.

A stranger walking past stopped and asked, with disgust in his voice, “Why in tarnation did you do that?”

The cowboy taps his lips with one index finger and replied with a knowing look, “Chapped lips! “

The stranger asked, “What … does it cure ‘em or somethin’?”

The cowboy answered, “Nope! It sure as hell stops me lickin’ ‘em though!”
 

MikeG

VIP MEMBER
Joined
May 31, 2012
Messages
613
Country flag
two nuns were sitting at a traffic light in Dublin when a car full of rowdy drunks pulls up next to them. One drunk rolls down the window and shouts " Show us your boobs ya bloody penguins". Shocked, the mother superior turns to sister Mary Alice anD says "show then your cross then sister". Sister Mary Alice rolls down her window and shouts "Piss off ya bloody fookin wankers or I'll rip your balls off". She then rolls up her window and says to the Mother Superior..."did I sound cross enough?"
 

Dommie Nator

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Apr 2, 2013
Messages
762
Country flag
The wife and I have finally realised
that we are getting too old for some of our younger day exploits and have put all of our "Dogging" gear for sale on Ebay. No bids as of yet but a good dozen or more watchers.
 
Top