Post your jokes and humor here.

robs ss

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Aug 16, 2016
Messages
1,697
Country flag
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

On his way to the dam he grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

Coming closer he was amazed to see there was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end whereupon one of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men may walk slowly but they can still think fast.
 
Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
2,196
Country flag
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
 

robs ss

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Aug 16, 2016
Messages
1,697
Country flag
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and said “you poor beast!” took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the fuck would you say?"
 
Joined
Jan 30, 2020
Messages
420
Country flag
An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Irish funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Irishman walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Italian couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Irishman walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Irish funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Irish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Italian then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Irishman replied, "Get in line.
 
Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
2,196
Country flag
Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His new wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says. "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife." She screams. "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!" He replied...
 
Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
2,196
Country flag
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead. 'A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
 

robs ss

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Aug 16, 2016
Messages
1,697
Country flag
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown Brisbane apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a huge brass gong hanging on the wall.

“What's that big brass gong for?” one of the friend's asked.

“Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Kiwi clock” he drunkenly replied.

“A talking Kiwi clock - seriously?”

“Yup...Hmmm (hic).”

“How's it work?” the second friend asked, squinting at it.

“Jus watch” he said.

He picked up a hammer, took an unsteady back-swing and gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and steppedback. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Kiwi voice from the other side of the wall screamed, “For fuck's sake, you stupid prick! It's ten past three in the fucking morning!!!”
 
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
45
Country flag
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown Brisbane apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a huge brass gong hanging on the wall.

“What's that big brass gong for?” one of the friend's asked.

“Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Kiwi clock” he drunkenly replied.

“A talking Kiwi clock - seriously?”

“Yup...Hmmm (hic).”

“How's it work?” the second friend asked, squinting at it.

“Jus watch” he said.

He picked up a hammer, took an unsteady back-swing and gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and steppedback. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Kiwi voice from the other side of the wall screamed, “For fuck's sake, you stupid prick! It's ten past three in the fucking morning!!!”
you keep coming up with bottlers rob. great stuff
 

texasSlick

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Jan 2, 2013
Messages
3,344
Country flag
An Irish golfer slices one off into the woods teeing off on the first hole.
While he is searching for his ball in the woods, a Leprechaun jumps up on a stump and says " Aye cud take 10 strokes off your game, but it will cost ye".
The golfer says, "I would give anything to take 10 stokes off my game, what is the price?"

Leprechaun: "A year of your sex life .... I get what you would have got in the next year."

Golfer: "Agreed!"

The leprechaun disappears, the golfer finds his ball, and he is amazed that his game is remarkably better.

A year goes by ... the golfers game is 10 strokes better, then one day, first stroke off the first tee he puts the ball in the woods.

"Hmmm, he says, have not done that in quite a while." He goes off into the woods in search of his ball, and the Leprechaun jumps up onto a stump.

Leprechaun: Hey, you welsher! You reneged. I dinnot get any of your sex this past year. And another thing I dinnot get ... your Name!

Golfer: My name? O'Leary! Father O'Leary.
 

bsaboss

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Sep 11, 2009
Messages
182
Country flag
An elderly couple are in church and during a period of quiet prayer the wife leans to her husband and whispers "I just did a huge silent fart, what should I do?" The husband leans across to her and says "change the batteries in your hearing aid".
 

texasSlick

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Jan 2, 2013
Messages
3,344
Country flag
Two low IQ backwoods boys are drinking at the local pub.

#1: Jes say'n, if'n I wuz to slip over to yer house some afternoon while you wuz at work, and git yer wife pregnant, wud thet make us kinfolk?

#2 thinks about it for a long time, then ....

#2: Dunno 'bout kinfolk, but it wud make us even.
 
Joined
Apr 20, 2011
Messages
5,874
Country flag
A traffic policeman stopped Sister Brendra for speeding. She wound down her window , as the officer walked round undoing his fly, she said, "Oh dear, not the breathalyser again."
 

rwalker28

VIP MEMBER
Joined
May 21, 2011
Messages
445
Country flag
A guy goes into an acting agency in Hollywood, and he is all wound up. He tells the agent, "you will never believe this, I have a dog and it can talk, I mean really talk!"
The agent say "Go on, scram, I don't book silly ventriloquist acts.."
And the guy say "No really, watch this, I mean just watch. Now come on Butch, tell the man, what does sand paper feel like! Just tell him!"
And Butch the dog say "Rough, rough".
The agent say..." oh for the love of god... "
And the man interrupts and says "Ok, ok, just wait, Ok, come on Butch, tell the nice man what is on top of a house... "and the dog say "Roof"..."
So the agent is now pretty fed up and he tells the guy in no uncertain terms to beat it...
The man begs for one more chance and the agent says, "Ok but he better talk, not just woof like a dog.
So the man says, OK Butch, this it, tell the man what is on a tree, and Butch says "Bark, bark..."
So the agent is really peeved and he kicks the man and the dog out of the office.
When they were on the street the dog looks up and says " Maybe I should have said leaves?".
 
Joined
Apr 20, 2011
Messages
5,874
Country flag
Latest news, the royal walk about is back on after lifting of the lockdown, but some pubs are shutting their doors when Prince Charles visits their town because they don't want Charles dropping in trying to cadge a free pint off them, ditto the local fish and chip shops, last week he had to make do with a supermarket oven meal, he was a bit cheesed off!
 

DogT

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
7,446
Country flag
I love elvis jokes. I think I was in the 7th grade when he showed up. The girls loved him, we were reading the 'Red Badge of Courage', of course it was in a southern county of Maryland, maybe even below the Mason /Dixon line. Boy I wish that crap would go away.
 

rwalker28

VIP MEMBER
Joined
May 21, 2011
Messages
445
Country flag
I love elvis jokes. I think I was in the 7th grade when he showed up. The girls loved him, we were reading the 'Red Badge of Courage', of course it was in a southern county of Maryland, maybe even below the Mason /Dixon line. Boy I wish that crap would go away.
Ok then... maybe I told this before but I am too lazy to search, but I dont think so....

This old broad goes into a tattoo parlor and wants a likeness of Elvis tattooed on the very top front of her right leg.

The tattoo dude asks "I have done Elvis for years, never had an unsatisfied customer, but i gotta ask, young Elvis, or fat Elvis? You need to tell me so you get what you want." She thinks for a very short minute and says "Viva Las Vegas Elvis of course. That is how i like to remember him."

So the tattoo guy does his magic and says "OK go look in the mirror, and tell me what you think." The old lady get real upset and says "THAT doesn't look like Elvis Presley at ALL! Not Fat Elvis OR young Elvis, It doesnt even look like Elvis Costello!" And the tattoo dude and her argue, she is yelling and he is telling her he did hundreds of Elvis PRESLEY tattoos and she is crazy, her saying "I ain't payin'" over and over, on and on... Finally they wind down and agree he will tattoo another Elvis on the very top of her left thigh.

He gets done and tells her to look in the mirror. And, you guessed it, another wild argument ensues.

Finally the tattoo guys says..."OK, hold on, how about this, we go get the first person we see outside, so no bias there, and we show them the tattoos, and if that person says it is Elvis, either one, OR BOTH, you stu... ummm... or BOTH, you pay. If not you just leave." So the old broad agrees.

She gets dressed, they go outside and there is only one person there, a drunk that just walked out of Clancy's bar next door. So they tell him what they want and he says "Yesss shuuure, I'll jeeesstt do that feerrr youse nice peoples."

They tromp back inside and she pulls her skirt up and takes her underdrawers down and says "OK, mister who are these tattoos pictures of? Do you know who they are?"

And the drunk rubs his eyes, and squints and as he is swaying forward to back he closes his left eye and looks back and forth and finally says "Well lady... I hafff nooo idea whos sthoose two bummss oh yer legs are, but that suuuure asst hell ish Willie Nelson in daaa middle...."
 
Last edited:
Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
2,196
Country flag
So, George and his biker mates are driving through Glasgow when they come to the 'Squinty Bridge' and can't get through because a crowd has gathered.
They get off their bikes to see what is happening and find a beautiful young girl is at the rail preparing to jump.
George makes his way through the crowd and says to the young girl, Baby.....what are ye doin' up on that railing'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to jump!!"
While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," in front of his mates but George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-hero" opportunity either so he asks her ...
"Well, before you jump, Honey...why don't you give old George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leans back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-mates, the onlookers, including the Police officers present.
George then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, darling. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you going to jump?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." was the reply.
It's still unclear, to this day, whether she jumped or was pushed??
 

robs ss

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Aug 16, 2016
Messages
1,697
Country flag
A passenger in a taxi leaned over and tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question The driver screamed hysterically, threw both hands in the air, lost control of the cab which very nearly hit a bus coming the other way, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the still shaking driver said, “I'm terribly sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The passenger, who had been thrown down across the back seat and was clutching his heart said he was sorry too and that he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten someone so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, It’s me who should be sorry, it's entirely my fault. But, you see today is my first day driving a cab.”

“I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
 
Top