Post your jokes and humor here.

texasSlick

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Jan 2, 2013
Messages
3,344
Country flag
A medical Dr is on the golf course with his lawyer friend.

The doc says, "Some of my friends are constantly asking me for medical advice. And, of course, they expect it to be free. They are driving me crazy! What would you do?"

The lawyer says, "I would send them a bill".

Next day, the doc gets an invoice from the lawyer for consultation fees.
 
Last edited:
Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
2,196
Country flag
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors. There are teachers - and then there are educators .
 
Joined
May 5, 2017
Messages
520
Country flag
Lucas-Electrical-Harness-Replacement-Smoke-Page-1.jpg

Lucas-Electrical-Harness-Replacement-Smoke-Page-2.jpg

Lucas-Electrical-Harness-Replacement-Smoke-Page-3.jpg

Lucas-Electrical-Harness-Replacement-Smoke-Page-4.jpg
 
Joined
May 25, 2011
Messages
126
Country flag
THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs..



She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upwa rd. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer..



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 

texasSlick

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Jan 2, 2013
Messages
3,344
Country flag
I think the owner of the Wives Store should put in a third floor ...


The third floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer... and like to fish. He would make a killing.
 

rwalker28

VIP MEMBER
Joined
May 21, 2011
Messages
445
Country flag
I think the owner of the Wives Store should put in a third floor ...


The third floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer... and like to fish. He would make a killing.
Hey Slick, change that to "like to fish and have a good boat and motor."
 

MikeG

VIP MEMBER
Joined
May 31, 2012
Messages
613
Country flag
A dog dies and he goes to pet heaven. After he enters the pearly gates he sees a man in long white robes sitting on a golden throne, none other than God himself. God calls the dog over and asks him what he thinks of the place, and what he would like to do for eternity. The dog says "being a good dog, all I want is tp please my master and keep him company all day". God says "OK that sounds nice, you can be my dog from now on. A couple weeks later a cat dies and goes to pet heaven too. Upon seeing God on his throne he walks over, and God says" How would you like to spend eternity mr cat?" The cat says..."Well first you can get off my chair and then we'll discuss it".
 

Fast Eddie

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Oct 4, 2013
Messages
15,777
Country flag
I told my wife about the sign and the ironing and she laughed too... I thought she would just give that baleful "you are lucky I put up with you look", but she surprised me...
They’re probably laughing at us for thinking it’s funny !
 
Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
2,196
Country flag
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."
 

texasSlick

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Jan 2, 2013
Messages
3,344
Country flag
Time to lighten up after the sad news about the new Norton ownership putting the screws to NOC websites and Forums, so here is a good joke.

Professor in a Human Anatomy Class: Does anyone know what your asshole is doing when you are having an orgasm?

Young female student: He's usually drinking with his buddies or playing golf.
 
Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
2,196
Country flag
Okay Slick Good one, I'll play too! How about this one :

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn’t let me in.
I shouted to my wife, “Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?”
“Yes honey.”
“What is it?”
“It’s the date of our anniversary.”
...Damn it!
 

robs ss

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Aug 16, 2016
Messages
1,697
Country flag
In a university biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?"

"That’s correct", responded the prof, going on to additional technical information.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girls face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and got up to walk out of the lecture.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor’s reply was classic ...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
 
Top